August 9, 2004

  • JOB APPLICATION



    NAME: John Kerry

    RESIDENCE: 7 mansions, including Washington DC, worth multi-millions.

    EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:
    Law Enforcement. I voted to cut every law enforcement, CIA and defense bill in my career as a US Senator. I ordered Boston to remove a fire hydrant in front of my mansion, thereby endangering my neighbors in the event of fire.

    MILITARY:
    I used three minor injuries to get an early discharge from the military and service in Vietnam (as documented by the attending doctor). I then returned to the US, joined Jane Fonda in protesting the war, and insulted returning Vietnam vets, claiming they committed atrocities and were baby killers. I threw my medals, ribbons, or something away in protest. Or did I? My book; Vietnam Veterans Against the War: The New Soldier shows how I truly feel about the military.

    COLLEGE:
    I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. Unlike my counterpart George Bush, I have no higher education and did not get admitted to Harvard nor graduate with an M.B.A

    PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:
    I ran for U.S. Congress and have been there ever since. I have no real world experience except marrying rich women and running HJ Heinz vicariously through my wife Teresa.

    ACCOMPLISHMENTS:
    As a US Senator I set the record for the most liberal voting record,
    exceeding even Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton. I have consistently failed to support our military and CIA by voting against budgets, thus gutting our country's ability to defend itself. Although I voted for the Iraq War, now I am against it and refuse to admit that I voted for it. I voted for every liberal piece of legislation. I have no plan to help this country but I intend to raise taxes significantly if I am elected.

    My wealth so far exceeds that of my counterpart, George Bush, that he will never catch up. I make no or little charitable contributions and have never agreed to pay any voluntary excess taxes in MA, despite family wealth in excess of $ 700 million.

    I (we) own 28 manufacturing plants (Heinz) outside of the U.S. in places like Asia, Mexico and Europe. We can make more profit from the cheaper cost of labor in those Countries, although I Blame George Bush for sending all of the jobs out of Country.

    Although I claim to be in favor of alternative energy sources, Ted Kennedy and I oppose windmills off Nantucketand Martha's Vineyard as it might spoil our view of the ocean as we cruise on our yachts.

    RECORDS AND REFERENCES:
    None.

    PERSONAL:
    I ride a Serotta Bike.
    I call my Gulfstream V Jet The Flying Squirrel.
    My $850,000 42-foot Hinckley twin diesel yacht is the "Scarmouche".
    I am fascinated by rap and hip-hop and feel it reflects our real culture.
    I own several "Large" SUVs including one parked at my Nantucket summer mansion, though I am against large polluting inefficient vehicles and blame George Bush for the energy problems.

    PLEASE CONSIDER MY EXPERIENCE WHEN VOTING IN 2004.

Comments (6)

  • OK :coolman:

  • Bush still isn't right:mad: . If I were of legal age I'd vote for Kerry just to vote for Kerry and get rid of Bush.:wave:

  • Hi Guypithecus, I like John Kerry quite a bit. Maybe with him in office we can end this abysmal war against the poor, and restore some sanity to protecting the environment. Personally, I like Ralph Nader even more.

  • Well said.  Bush isn't anyone to brag about but Kerry scares the hell out of me.

  • I'm w/ illusion, i just want bush out. and i'm a voter! i'll post this on my xanga if you post bush's resume!

    <TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%" border=0>
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    <TD colSpan=2>George W. Bush's Resume
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    George W. Bush (Dubya)
    The White House
    1600 Pennsylvania Ave., NW
    Washington, D.C. 20500
    Past Work Experience

    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l2 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in">Ran for congress and lost.
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l2 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in">Produced a Hollywood slasher B movie.
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l2 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in">Bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas; company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l2 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in">Bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money. Biggest move: Traded Sammy Sosa to the Chicago White Sox.
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l2 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in">With father's help (and his name) was elected Governor of Texas.
    Accomplishments in Previous Positions

    <LI>
    Changed pollution laws for power and oil companies and made Texas the most polluted state in the Union.
    <LI>
    Replaced Los Angeles with Houston as the most smog-ridden city in America. Cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas government to the tune of billions in borrowed money. 
    <LI>
    Set record for most executions by any governor in American history.  
    <LI>
    Became president after losing the popular vote by over 500,000 votes, with the help of my father's appointments to the Supreme Court.
    Accomplishments As President

    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in">Attacked and took over two countries.
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in">Spent the surplus and bankrupted the treasury.
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in">Shattered record for biggest annual deficit in history.
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in">Set economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in">Set all-time record for biggest drop in the history of the stock market.
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in">First president in decades to execute a federal prisoner.
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in">First president in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record.
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in">First year in office set the all-time record for most days on vacation by any president in U.S. history.
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in">After taking the entire month of August off for vacation, presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history.
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in">Set the record for most campaign fundraising trips than any other president in U.S. history.
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in">In my first two years in office over 2 million Americans lost their job.
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in">Cut unemployment benefits for more out of work Americans than any president in U.S. history.
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in">Set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in">Appointed more convicted criminals to administration positions than any president in U.S. history.
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in">Set the record for the least amount of press conferences than any president since the advent of television.
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in">Signed more laws and executive orders amending the Constitution than any president in U.S. history.
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in">Presided over the biggest energy crises in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption was revealed.
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in">Presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history and refused to use the national reserves as past presidents have.
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in">Cut healthcare benefits for war veterans.
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in">Set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously take to the streets to protest me (15 million people), shattering the record for protest against any person in the history of mankind.
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in">Dissolved more international treaties than any president in U.S. history.
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in">My presidency is the most secretive and unaccountable of any in U.S. history.
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in">Members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history (the 'poorest' multimillionaire, Condoleezza Rice, has an Exxon oil tanker named after her).
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in">First president in U.S. history to have all 50 states of the Union simultaneously go bankrupt.
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in">Presided over the biggest corporate stock market fraud of any market in any country in the history of the world.
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in">First president in U.S. history to order a U.S. attack and military occupation of a sovereign nation.
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in">Created the largest government department bureaucracy in the history of the United States.
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in">Set the all-time record for biggest annual budget spending increases, more than any president in U.S. history.
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in">First president in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the human rights commission.
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in">First president in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the elections monitoring board. 
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in">Removed more checks and balances, and have the least amount of congressional oversight than any presidential administration in U.S. history.
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in">Rendered the entire United Nations irrelevant.
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in">Withdrew from the World Court of Law.
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in">Refused to allow inspectors access to U.S. prisoners of war and by default no longer abide by the Geneva Conventions.
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in">First president in U.S. history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 U.S. elections).
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in">All-time U.S. (and world) record holder for most corporate campaign donations.
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in">My biggest lifetime campaign contributor presided over one of the largest corporate bankruptcy frauds in world history (Kenneth Lay, former CEO of Enron Corporation).
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in">Spent more money on polls and focus groups than any president in U.S. history.
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in">First president in U.S. history to unilaterally attack a sovereign nation against the will of the United Nations and the world community.
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in">First president to run and hide when the U.S. came under attack (and then lied saying the enemy had the code to Air Force 1)
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in">First U.S. president to establish a secret shadow government.
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in">Took the biggest world sympathy for the U.S. after 9/11, and in less than a year made the U.S. the most resented country in the world (possibly the biggest diplomatic failure in U.S. and world history).
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in">With a policy of 'disengagement' created the most hostile Israeli-Palestine relations in at least 30 years.
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in">Fist U.S. president in history to have a majority of the people of Europe (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and stability.
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in">First U.S. president in history to have the people of South Korea more threatened by the U.S. than their immediate neighbor, North Korea.
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in">Changed US policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in">Set all-time record for number of administration appointees who violated U.S. law by not selling huge investments in corporations bidding for government contracts.
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in">Failed to fulfill my pledge to get Osama Bin Laden 'dead or alive.'
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in">Failed to capture the anthrax killer who tried to murder the leaders of our country at the United States Capital building. After 18 months I have no leads and zero suspects.
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in">In the 18 months following the 9/11 attacks I have successfully prevented any public investigation into the biggest security failure in the history of the United States.
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in">Removed more freedoms and civil liberties for Americans than any other president in U.S. history.
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in">In a little over two years created the most divided country in decades, possibly the most divided the U.S. has ever been since the Civil War.
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in">Entered office with the strongest economy in U.S. history and in less than two years turned every single economic category heading straight down.
    Records and References

    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo3; tab-stops: list .5in">At least one conviction for drunk driving in Maine (Texas driving record has been erased and is not available)
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo3; tab-stops: list .5in">AWOL from National Guard and deserted the military during a time of war.
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo3; tab-stops: list .5in">Refuse to take drug test or even answer any questions about drug use.
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo3; tab-stops: list .5in">All records of my tenure as governor of Texas have been spirited away to my father's library, sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo3; tab-stops: list .5in">All records of any SEC investigations into my insider trading or bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo3; tab-stops: list .5in">All minutes of meetings for any public corporation I served on the board are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo3; tab-stops: list .5in">Any records or minutes from meetings I (or my VP) attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.
    <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo3; tab-stops: list .5in">For personal references please speak to my daddy or uncle James Baker (they can be reached at their offices of the Carlyle Group for war-profiteering.)

  • Thanks for the comment.  I try to only post things that I know are true.  For example, Bush senior appointed two judges to the Supreme Court, Souter and Thomas.  They were split on the Bush v Gore decision.

    There are many other exaggerations, but In my opinion, democrats seem to rely less on the truth when talking about the opposition.      guy

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