THE DARWIN AWARDS

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The Darwin Awards are given annually to persons who died in the most stupid manner, thereby removing themselves from the gene pool. This year’s nine nominees [and the ultimate winner] are:

 

Nominee No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News]:

An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend’s windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

 

Nominee No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette]:

James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, MI, was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a “farm-type truck.” Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns’ clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns “wrapped in the drive shaft.”

 

Nominee No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record]:

Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, NC. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear. (For whatever reason, residents of Southern states always seem to figure prominently among the Darwin nominees.)

 

Nominee No. 4: [UPI, Toronto]:

Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building’s windows to visiting law students.

 

Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was “one of the best and brightest” members of the 200-man association. (Nice to see another Canadian province getting into the awards…. The Maritimes always have been heavily involved.)

 

Nominee No. 5: [Bloomberg News Service]:

A terrible diet and a room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas emissions. There was no mark on his body, and an autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods.

 

It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn’t have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his nearly airtight bedroom. According to the article, “He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating “this deadly gas.” Three of the rescuers got sick, and one was hospitalized.

 

Nominee No. 6: [The News of the Weird]:

Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina‘s electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted. (South Carolina entrants are always perennial favorites.)

 

Nominee No. 7: [The Indianapolis Star]:

A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk, IN. A Jay County man, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff’s investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents’ rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM.

 

Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzleloader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

 

Nominee No. 8: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]:

A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair when the accident occurred, said Inspector D’Arcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. “It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony,” Honer said. (Another Ontario entry…. I wonder if people are moving there from the Maritime Provinces.)

 

Finally, THE WINNER: [Arkansas Democrat Gazette]:

Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, were returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging trip on an overcast Sunday night when Poole‘s pickup truck headlights malfunctioned.

 

The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge.

 

After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged, and struck Poole in the testicles.

 

The vehicle swerved sharply right, exiting the pavement, and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate as intended. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released.

 

“Thank God we weren’t on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off, or we might both be dead,” stated Wallis.

 

Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia (Poole‘s wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck?

 

(Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole did, in fact, effectively remove himself from the gene pool.)

JEFF FOXWORTHY ON SOUTH DAKOTA

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If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 8 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in South Dakota.

If you have ever refused to buy something because it’s “too Spendy”, you might live in South Dakota.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in South Dakota.

If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don’t work there, you might live in South Dakota.

If your dad’s suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in South Dakota.

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in South Dakota.

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in South Dakota.

If you think that ketchup is a little too spicy, you might live in South Dakota.

“Vacation” means going up north past Pierre for the weekend.

You measure distance in hours.

You know several people who have hit deer more  than once.

You often switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day and back again.

You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.

You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events.

You install security lights on your house and Garage and leave both unlocked.

You think of the major food groups as beer, fish, and venison.

You carry jumper cables in your car and your Girl friend knows how to use  them.

Where men are men and so are the women.

There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at Zups Grocery Store at any given time.

You design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.

You can identify a southern or eastern accent.

You consider Minneapolis exotic.

Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your Blue  Spruce.

Down South to you means Nebraska.

A brat is something you eat.

You go out to fish fry every Friday.

You find 0 degrees a little chilly.

You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your South Dakota friends