Month: November 2006

  • THE DOG’S DIARY:

    7 am – Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!

    8 am – Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!

    9 am – Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!

    Noon – Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!

    2 pm – Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!

    3 pm – Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!

    4 pm – Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!

    6 pm – Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favorite!

    7 pm – Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite!

    8 pm – Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!

    9 pm – Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite!

    11 pm – Oh boy! Sleeping in my people’s bed! My favorite!

    THE CAT’S DIARY:

    Day 183 of my captivity. My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture.  Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded -  must try this at the top of the stairs.

    In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair – must try this on their bed.  Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear in their hearts.  They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was.  Hmmm, not working according to plan.

    There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event.  However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

    I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return.  He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move.   Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.  But I can wait; it is only a matter of time.

  • GOD’S ANIMATED BILLBOARD

  • BEER

    – Babe Ruth –
    Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed.  Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams.  If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.  I think, “It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.”

    – Lyndon B. Johnson –
    “I feel sorry for people who don’t drink.  When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.”
    – Ernest Hemingway –
    “An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.”
    – Paul Hornung –
    “When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”
    – H. L. Mencken –
    “24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case.  Coincidence?  I think not.”
    – George Bernard Shaw –
    “When we drink, we get drunk.  When we get drunk, we fall asleep.  When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.  When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven!”
    – Benjamin Franklin –
    “Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”
    – Dave Barry –
    “Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.   Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.”
    – W. C. Fields –
    “BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.”
    – Professor Irwin Corey –
    “Remember “I” before “E”, except in Budweiser.”
    – Leo Durocher –
    “To some it’s a six-pack, to me it’s a “support group.” Salvation in a can!”
    One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the “Buffalo Theory” to his buddy Norm

    “Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this.  A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.   And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

    This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

    In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.  Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells.  But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

    In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine!  That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”